This is a classic haters to lovers story, only that it is entirely one-sided. Like most of my love stories. Also this experience made me realize that even though we don’t fall in love with something at once, there is this small moment of epiphany that makes you go, “Oh shit! I am gone now.”.
It was a March evening but it felt like summer was here. I was lying in my bed with all windows and doors open for any breeze that would grace me with its presence. I didn’t have an air conditioner in my room so my ceiling fan was spinning round like a tornado trying to elevate me from my miseries because of the heat. A part of me was afraid that it was going to fall upon me and give me a painful death just like a tornado would.
To be honest I’ve never been a summer girl. I’ve always loved winter. The warmth, the food, they cozy clothes and festivals and so on. I dread summer for a lot of reasons: the excessive sweating, the pungent smell of perspiration everywhere, the urge to tear off your clothes and skin (especially when you are a girl), the difficulty in traveling or doing menial tasks, the laziness, the fact that you don’t get a summer vacation when you are older, the irrational caused by small spaces, close proximity or just in general, the urge to take three showers a day but you can’t cause there is a shortage of water, the insects, the heat waves blasted by the air-conditioners, I could go on but I think you get the gist.
I dread summer but this time it feels different somehow. (I know, I know it’s not summer yet, but I’m just entertaining the idea of it. Jeez.)
It’s just I’m not restricted the way I’m by the seeking warmth in winter. I can hold onto things and not avoid contact because my hands will turn cold. (Washing hands is a nightmare). Also it is easier to get out of bed.
So back to the scene where I sit on my bed surrounded by warm gusts and cricket sounds. My worn out quilt (that my mother keeps on insisting that I throw away because at this point it’s just a huge rag) pooled around my legs, I almost feel free. Like this is too good of a night to be wasted away sleeping. I almost put on a summer dress and ran out onto the streets. (Okay, I lied about that but I did think how it would feel to be running onto the street right now with my weird multicolored shorts and stripped top.)
I should go to sleep. I have a long day tomorrow after all, an important one as well. But won’t it be nice if I didn’t have to stay under this magnetic barrier of safety and I could run, go out for an entire night, or just to have someone whom I could call and tell about this small epiphany that maybe I don’t hate summer. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten about its scorching heat, the way we forget about all the things that make us happy when we are sad.
I wish I had written this down instead of typing it, it feels more personal that way.
I think just because I love winter I don’t have to hate summer. It’s a said again point but it really takes you a while to understand.
As I look out my bedroom window at the street lamps that light the world for those who walk around in the dark all I can think about is those tiny flowers that grow on the sidewalks in summer. (I am always looking down when I walk. In winter it’s because I like to step on dried leaves. It’s fun.) Maybe in summer it would be to collect different tiny flowers that grow beside our feet.
March is different right now. There is this huge moon in the sky and I can make out almost six starts.
November has always been my favorite month without a doubt but I think March closes in one a second (I can’t bring myself to call it a first).
Of course, another fact I’m biased about November is because the colors are so pretty and my birthday, mostly my birthday. Dark oranges, reds, purples and browns in their perfect shades (like neon lights at a club). The days are darker and filtered as well. Though I like summer pastels as well. Yellows, pinks, blues, whites, greens spread out everywhere (like a street with all those weird, colorful, same-shaped houses). Even the nights are brighter.
Now maybe you are thinking, “she has had a good month and that’s what brought this change of heart.” (That sounds judgmental. I promise I don’t think you are being judgement. Just imagine you thought/said that in your head in a non-judgement way). Whew. I don’t know why I said that.
In all honestly, this month hasn’t been that great. It’s been the worst one of this year to tell you the truth. Though, it can be a reason why I’ve started liking this month as well, cause we tend to keep a marble ball if we find it in a pile of gravel. And I’ve got good music, I’ve got opportunities and I have flowers, I’ll get by.
Maybe in a better way than I would have.
For the first time in my life I’m looking forward to summer rather than dreading it. I knew it was going to come around and still I hated it, but now I’m a tiny bit in love with it.
It’s not just summer. I feel in love with a lot of things I thought I hated hearts, dressing up, breaking book spines, movies, cooking, myself and I hope there are more to come.
And I hope that you can find it in yourself to love something (just a little bit) you hate as well.
(See isn’t writing better? I’ll work more on the aesthetics promise.
Until then❤.)
Love, K.
